i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
