Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
