wrigley field is MILF paradise
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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