I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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