The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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