i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
