You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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