just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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