I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
