omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
