glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
