i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I die, sorry about rent.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
