dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
