last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
