I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
