u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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