while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
