I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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