if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
