we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
