why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
