I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
