Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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