The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
