don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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