No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
