i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
