Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
