i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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