is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
