Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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