I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
