I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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