having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
