she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
