I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
