he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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