An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
