4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
