Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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