I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
