Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
