i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
