the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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