if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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