A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
ttyl tear gas
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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