Umm I'm too high to move.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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