also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
