Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
