so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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