Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
